


The Hipster Bride (by K. Vantas and D. Strider)

by Liritar, VeetVoojagig



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bad Self Insertion fics (written by the characters), M/M, Parody, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-05-18 23:44:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5947774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liritar/pseuds/Liritar, https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeetVoojagig/pseuds/VeetVoojagig
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Hipster Bride<br/>K. Vantas’s Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure<br/>With Help From the Awesome D. Strider</p><p> </p><p>In which Karkat wishes he were part of one of his favorite movies, and Dave helps him make it happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Bride is Introduced, Kidnapped, and Rescue-kidnapped

The Hipster Bride  
K. Vantas’s Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure  
With Help From the Awesome D. Strider

Dave was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin. His favorite pastimes were being a douche, drawing shitty comics, and other dumb shit like that. I don’t know, I’ll flush it out later. He also loved tormenting the farm boy who worked there. His name was Karkat, but he never called him that. He called him an endless string of “ironic” and “cool” nicknames. 

TG: dude my comics arent shitty and you didnt mention rap at all 

CG: I SAID I’D FLUSH IT OUT LATER, THIS IS A FIRST DRAFT.  


CG: AND HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR COMICS? I FIND THINGS LESS SHITTY IN THE LOAD GAPER. 

TG: fuck you babe see if i draw you anything ever again 

CG: SHUT UP, I’M TRYING TO WRITE THIS. JEGUS.

Nothing gave Dave as much pleasure as fucking with Karkat. If Karkat wasn’t so used to being around humans, he would have assumed Dave was feeling caliginous, but that wasn’t something that would have ever happened. Dave was just generally a douche. 

Dave would always order Karkat around, often while wearing a dress for “ironic purposes,” or so he claimed. He wasn’t gay or a freak or anything like that, he would swear. Karkat would never answer him in any way, except to say, “As you wish.” Even when it involved using pails at the well, and he really should have shouted at him in all sorts of ways, he just said “As you wish,” and did as he was asked. 

TG: baby you fill my paaaaaaails  


CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP, IT’S IN THE MOVIE.  


TG: you are the pail filler its you  


CG: WHAT PART OF SHUT THE FUCK UP IS SO DIFFICULT TO GET INTO YOUR THINKPAN?

One day, Dave stopped being an oblivious chump and realized that when Karkat said “As you wish,” he really meant “I love you.” And then Dave realized that Karkat was really fucking hot and maybe he was totally gay and it didn’t fucking matter and they banged like you wouldn’t believe.

CG: YOU CAN’T PUT THAT IN MY STORY.  


TG: why the fuck not its good shit  


CG: IT’S A TIMELESS ROMANCE, YOU CAN’T SAY THEY BANGED LIKE YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE. WE’RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A ROMANTIC KISS.  


TG: fine what would *you* write jerkass

And then Dave realized that he had been hung up on his human sexuality too much and had really been in love with Karkat all along, and he swept him into his arms and kissed him like he’d never been kissed before, under the light of the moon with a soft breeze blowing flower petals in a swirl around them.

TG: dude so gay  


CG: IT IS *NOT* GAY. IT’S ROMANTIC.  


TG: did i really kiss you like youd never been kissed before  


CG: IF YOU EVER WANT TO BE KISSED AGAIN YOU’LL SHUT UP ABOUT IT.  


TG: ok jegus  


CG: YEAH, OKAY, IT WAS REALLY FUCKING FANTASTIC. ALL RIGHT? BUT STILL SHUT UP.

Karkat, being a poor farm worker, had no money for the human concept of marriage, but as he wanted Dave to be his matesprit, he left to make his fortune, as any dashing and heroic handsome young man would. One day he would return, and Dave would be his, and he would be able to pamper and take care of his matesprit in the best of ways. All the apple juice a douche could drink would be at his fingertips, if Karkat succeeded in his ventures. Dave was so fucking sad that his boy toy was leaving and buried himself in sweet raps.

CG: DAVE… YOU KNOW WHAT, NEVER MIND. I SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO EXPECT ANYTHING MORE THAN THAT FROM YOU.  


TG: why whats wrong with it  


CG: UGHHHHH.  


TG: fine let me try again

Dave sat in the window seat for days, refusing to eat because he was really fucking sad. He stared over the fields that no longer had sexy troll boys working in them and wondered when he would ever see his snugglemuffin again.

Dave’s becoming a Jane Austen heroine was in vain, however, because Karkat was killed by pirates, like, right off the bat. He changed into a black mourning dress and was instantly recognized by all to be the most ironic, hippest, cool dude of them all. 

Rumours spread as far as the palace, where the Legal Tyrant lived. She had been searching for a long time for the coolest of cool kids to torment and sent for Dave. He would become her partner in shenanigans, and he could not refuse, because her word was law.

Dave shrugged and said that was chill, because what the fuck else was he going to do with his sexy troll boy dead? He could date the Tyrant ironically. He knew he could never love again, not like that. Because fuck. Karkat was a demon in the sack. 

CG: DAVE!  


TG: you can take that out im just fucking with you babe  


TG: its true though  


CG: I’LL GET IT IN EDITING.  


TG: youll get it tonight  


CG: GRRRRRRRRR.

Her Legal Tyrantship held a festival to announce her betrothal to her new coolkid, and from the balcony she gave a speech to her people. She spread her arms wide and called out to those waiting below.

“My people! Our country has been suffering a SEVERE lack of cool. In one perigee, I mean to fix that! By marrying the coolest of coolkids, I will tie him to our country and he will teach us ALL to be as cool as he is! Let the dance party start now!”

After teaching them all some sicknasty dance moves, Dave slipped out of the city on a horse, because why the fuck not? It was quieter out there and he wanted to work on some raps. Terezi was cool and all, but she could be really fucking annoying. Oh, and he was wearing a bitching red dress because it was Tez’s favorite color and she liked licking his clothes.

TG: dude we cant let our friends read this or theyll all think im a transvestite  


CG: IT’S A STORY, STRIDER. IT’S OBVIOUSLY NOT TRUE.  


TG: still add in something about it being ironic again ok  


CG: AGAIN? SERIOUSLY? I ALREADY COVERED IT IN THE NARRATIVE.  


TG: ok well do it in editing  


CG: MY SIGH EXUDER IS GOING TO EXPLODE BEFORE WE’RE DONE WITH THIS.

Dave was in the middle of some pretty dope rhymes when he noticed three weird ass people standing in a clearing watching him. There was a girl in a hooded orange robe, maybe blonde, a blond guy with pointy shades which were actually kinda dope, and a tall ass fucking troll with sick muscles. Like whoa. He had shades, too. So, pretty much, you couldn’t see anyone’s eyes. Because Dave has sweet shades, too. We didn’t mention that earlier.

CG: GREAT, THANKS, DAVE. I HAVE TO REWRITE THAT ENTIRE PARAGRAPH AND MAKE IT NOT SUCK.  


TG: you just want to make it gay  


CG: LIKE DAVE CHECKING OUT THOSE MUSCLES DIDN’T COME ACROSS AS HUMAN GAY?  


TG: dave wasnt checking them out the narration was  


CG: YOU’RE THE NARRATION, DAVE.  


TG: i wasnt checking out your sweaty horsetroll  


TG: even if hes totally ripped

The girl stepped forward and offered a sweet smile. “This statement is an obvious ploy to get you to trust me, but I judge that you are far too stupid to even notice. Will you get off your horse and help me, please?” she said charmingly.

“Fuck yeah,” Dave said, cuz he was bored as fuck. He’d tuned out most of what she’d said anyway. She just sounded like she talked all the fucking time. He slid down from the horse and the big dude knocked him the fuck out.

“Why don’t we leave the boy and take the horse?” the man said, his face stoic behind his stupid glasses. 

“Yes,” the large troll agreed simply. 

“We were hired for the boy,” the girl explained patiently. “We have to send the horse back. That was the plan.” 

“You totally owe me a horse later, Rose,” the guy said.

She gave him a deadpan look and said, “Yes, of course. As soon as I join the illustrious profession of equine pimpage I will do that for you.” 

The big troll looked hopeful until the swordsman said, “She’s being sarcastic.”

Rose falsified evidence, which would incense Her Legal Tyrantship if she figured it out. When they found the horse, they would think that the country across the sea had stolen the coolkid for the purpose of making Florin less cool, so that in the upcoming DoucheOffs they would stand a chance. Rose’s actual intent was less obvious, because she was a sneaky, manipulative broad.

They boarded a boat, Dave slung over the large troll’s shoulder. They set sail quickly, almost as if they weren’t total fuckups. Equius and Dirk made stupid horse puns at each other until Rose made them shut up. Because fuck, those guys could be annoying.

The blond man kept looking back, because of the three of them he was apparently the least stupid, though Rose claimed the title loudly. “Yo,” he said, “there’s a boat behind us.”

Rose, despite her claim to be clever as was stated before, dismissed his warnings. Her plan was watertight, in her opinion, so no one could possibly be following them. Soon, however, a boat came plainly into view, steered by a dashing figure in black that could only be the romantic hero of the piece. 

TG: dude why are you bothering everyone knows roberts is westley  


CG: THAT’S THE DRAMATIC UNMASKING! YOU CAN’T RUIN THAT!  


TG: bullshit no one ever didnt already know who it was

“See? The Tyrant’s going to save me,” Dave pointed out with a smirk. “Because I totally need a chick to save me and stuff. I mean, I’m helpless and I wear a dress.”

The man sat next to him and raised an eyebrow. “And why is that?” he asked. “Why do you wear a dress?”

“It’s something freudian,” said Rose. 

“Ironic,” Dave corrected.

“Dude, I don’t think that means what YOU think it means,” Dirk said shortly.

“Shut up,” Rose said. “The cliffs are right ahead. We’ll lose our pursuers there. No one can follow us.”

They slung a total gimp harness on Equius and tied everyone to him so he could carry them up the cliffs like a boss. They were all astounded to look down soon after and see the dashing hero climbing the rope after them. How could this mysterious figure be as strong as the troll, while obviously being so much more handsome? 

TG: jegus man really  


CG: WHAT?  


TG: dude youre wearing a mask i mean thats the only reason daves not humping your leg already  


TG: wait your horns would be showing why dont i know its you  


CG: BECAUSE DAVE’S AN IDIOT? OH, OR MAYBE IT’S MORE ROMANTIC THIS WAY. 

The three kidnappers scrambled over the edge of the cliff. Rose turned to Dirk. “Stay here,” she demanded. “If he makes it to the top, deal with him however you see fit. Of course, you should agree with me that the pleasantly sharp piece of metal strapped to your hip is most likely the best instrument to use against him, given that you are, and I quote, ‘a totally bad-ass swordfighter.’”

He nodded like the dope roof ninja he is and moved to wait for the masked dude to finish climbing while the sweaty troll carried our beautifully gowned hero away, following the orange chick. “Hey, dude, can you climb faster? This waiting blows.”

The mysterious follower looked up from the cliff face, where he was clinging carefully. “This is not as easy as it looks,” he said wittily. “If you’d like to help, you can lower a rope or a tree branch. Otherwise, help yourself to a serving of shut the fuck up and go eat a bulge.”

“I’d like to, but I have to kill you first,” Dirk pointed out.

“If you’re into that, you freak…”

“No, no. Not yours. Yuck.”

CG: DAVE. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT DIALOGUE.  


TG: necrophilia jokes win  


CG: THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR THINKPAN.  


TG: but we all know bro would totally eat the sweaty trolls bulge right  


CG: GROSS.  


TG: i know man

The intrepid young hero climbed slowly to the top, displaying his impressive prowess. He, too, finally crested the ridge and was once more standing firmly on his feet. He gazed defiantly at the swordsman and reached for his own weapon, a blade sharp and glinting with the sun’s fierce light. “You said you were going to kill me,” he challenged. “Well, here I am!” 

“Take your time, man,” the blond returned. “I want a good fight. Hey, you wouldn’t happen to have eight eyes under that mask, do you?”

“Of course I fucking don’t! What the fuck are you going on about?” the young man asked impatiently. 

“An eight eyed troll girl destroyed my favorite puppet, and I will not rest until she is dead.” 

“I’m not a girl, fuckass.” 

“Are you sure? You look like you scream like one.” Dirk smirked like a total boss at that awesome line.

The mysterious man in black flipped him off with both hands before drawing his sword, posing heroically and beckoning his challenger. 

TG: dude you already reached for your sword  


TG: dont you read your own writing  


CG: THE MYSTERIOUS HERO REACHED FOR IT AS A WARNING. THIS TIME HE DREW IT IN DIRECT CHALLENGE.  


TG: jegus stop pretending youre mysterious  


CG: KISS MY SHAME GLOBES.  


TG: not now youre writing

And then they fought and the guy had his sword in his left hand and then suddenly was all ‘dude I’m not left handed’ and the other guy was all ‘I’m not either’ and they switched and it was even more fucking rad and then Dirk got knocked out.

CG: SERIOUSLY? YOU TAKE THE ENTIRE BATTLE THAT SHOWS HOW WONDERFUL OUR HERO IS AND CONDENSE IT TO THAT SHIT?  


TG: im sure youre going to tell us how wonderful our hero is  


TG: wait i think bro *is* left handed  


CG: IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER. IT’S A PLOT POINT.

Rose and her accomplice were bearing their captive over the hills, and the young woman looked back, blanching at the sight of the dangerously handsome hero following behind. “How could he possibly have beaten the swordsman?” she asked. “He was the best there was!” She turned quickly. “Equius, give me the boy. You stay here and stop that man. That’s an order.” She said it forcefully enough to make the large troll sweat. 

TG: hey kar i just realized  


TG: how come im getting kidnapped mostly by my family  


CG: RIGHT, SO WHO ELSE WAS GOING TO PLAY THE EXPERT SWORDSMAN? OR THE MANIPULATIVE EGOTISTICAL SMART PERSON?  


TG: right cuz tez is already my fiancee i get it  


TG: and rose couldnt be my fiancee because yuck and shed make comments about shit

The black-clad stranger climbed the path between two pillars of rock, and the large, intimidating troll stepped out, holding a rock. He was much larger than the heroic young troll. The hero, however, was stronger than he looked, and much more intelligent than his attacker. He soon wrestled him down and knocked him out, as he had the swordsman. Then he was once again on the trail of the abducted coolkid and his remaining captor.

And, by now, Her Legal Tyrantship had discovered the missing horse, and had crossed the seas searching for evidence. Here, finally, at the top of the cliffs, she located a crime scene, and set her top investigators to examine it. “Wow,” she said, sniffing close to the ground. “Two really handsome men who were good with swords fought here. One ran away like a little wiggler, and the other went that way. He was obviously the better of the two. We will follow him!” 

Her loyal follower and general annoyance accepted this, a smirk on her lips and a glint in her seven-pupiled eye. 

Rose sat demurely beside a rock, a little girl’s teaparty set up beside them. Dave was sitting beside her, tied up and blindfolded. The man in black walked slowly up to them. 

The girl held a knife up to her hostage. “Some people might think that I would not kill my captive, but since I have been hired to do just that thing, you may wish to reconsider if your design is to retrieve him alive,” she said, raising an eyebrow. 

The man stopped. “That does make it trickier,” he said softly, studying his adversary. “But I have no doubt that we can come to an arrangement. Perhaps a battle of wits?”

“For the drag queen?” the girl said dryly. 

“Dude, I’m not a drag queen,” Dave grumbled. “It’s fucking ironic, okay?”

“You keep telling yourself that, dear. Very well. I accept.”

“Pour your human soporific,” the daring stranger commanded. He pulled out a vial. “This is iocane powder. Odorless, tasteless, and deadly to trolls and humans alike.” He took the glasses and held them out of the girl’s view. When he turned back, he set the empty vial on the rock, and the two glasses before each of them. “Which glass holds the poison? Choose, and drink.” He smiled, showing his gleaming fangs. 

TG: dude seriously gleaming fangs  


CG: YOU HAVE TO HAVE DESCRIPTION SO THE PEOPLE KNOW WHAT YOUR CHARACTER LOOKS LIKE. AND HIS FANGS ARE GLEAMING BECAUSE HE’S FUCKING AMAZING, OKAY? SO SHUT UP.  


TG: uh huh sure

And Rose made too big a fucking deal about which glass the poison was in and eventually tricked the dude into looking away and switched glasses and then they drank and Rose fucking died. The stranger pulled off Dave’s blindfold and he went “Dude you really poisoned your own fucking glass I mean hardcore.”

“There was poison in both glasses,” he said calmly. “I lied; it only works on humans. She wasn’t clever enough to question that.” 

“Dude. Awesome. Going to untie me or what? Did Tez send you?”

Those burning eyes flashed coldly behind the mask. “Is that what you think? That your dear matesprit will send someone to save you? I’m afraid your hopes will be dashed, sweet boy.” 

Dave looked at him coldly. “Dude. She ain’t my matesprit. If you haven’t noticed, she’s a chick.” 

“But you would marry her anyway? So cold. Perhaps being a coolkid has frozen your heart at last.” 

TG: cold as ice willing to sacrifice our loooooove  


CG: WHAT THE TAINTCHAFING FUCK, STRIDER?  


TG: its an old song dude

“Fuck you. You don’t fucking know me.” Dave wasn’t crying at all. Nope. “My matesprit fucking died and I’m never going to love again. Doesn’t mean I should keep this hot ass off the market.”

“And who was this matesprit? Some highblood who would keep you supplied with apple juice and shitty comics, as Her Legal Tyrantship does now?” The man crossed his arms, gazing intently at the boy. 

TG: dude how come youre a man and im a boy  


CG: BECAUSE I’M THE HERO AND YOU’RE USELESS.  


TG: *ironically* useless  


CG: YOUR CHARACTER DOESN’T DO MUCH OTHER THAN WHINE ABOUT THINGS.

“Fuck you with your own horns you fucker. If you can even find them.” A single tear slid down Dave’s cheek like some kind of sad metaphor. “He was a poor ass farm boy. Sweet as fuck, though. Like you’d ever understand.”

His fingertips touched the tearstained cheek. “How did he die?” 

Dave pulled away. “The Dread Pirate Roberts.”

A cold laugh sounded from the mysterious stranger. “I thought he sounded familiar. He spoke of a boy whom he loved with all his soul, but never mentioned him to be cool, or unfeeling enough to align with Her Legal Tyrantship.” 

“You… you mother fucker. You’re Roberts!” Dave kicked at him like the dude was on fire and he could put it out with no wait that sucks. I need a better metaphor.

CG: *SIGH* LIKE HE’D KILLED THE ONLY PERSON YOU EVER LOVED AND YOU WANTED HIM TO DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH?  


TG: yeah that

Dave kicked at him like he’d killed the only person he’d ever loved, and he wanted him to die a horrible death, which is exactly what was going through his mind. “Die!” he yelled, just to make sure he knew how much he loathed him.

“As you wish,” Dread Pirate Roberts said, growing fainter as he plummeted down the hillside.

“Fuck!” Dave stared after him in fucking shock. He knew that voice. And those horns. And everything about him. It was probably only the fucking shock of being kidnapped that had made him not recognize him. Also the fact that he was supposed to be dead. Seriously, this is a pretty stupid bit of the movie. Dave leapt down the hill, rolling just like Karkat. Because he’s a fucking dumbass, apparently.


	2. The Hero Does Some Shit And Is Cute As Fuck YOU CAN'T NAME THE CHAPTER THAT!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to get the second chapter up. Real life's been kicking us in the teeth and we couldn't find time to work on this monster together. ~ Liritar

The Legal Tyrant, trailed by her eight-eyed accomplice and her entourage of tiny dragon forensics experts, examined the second and third crime scenes, delighting that the third actually included a murdered corpse. They gleefully dusted for prints and, in the absence of witnesses, interrogated each other. 

“Poison,” Terezi hissed, her eyes flashing. “This vile murderer must be brought to justice!”

The other troll grinned maliciously; she cared little for justice, but she did enjoy dealing out the punishments to those her friend allowed into her clutches. 

“The coolkid was alive, an hour ago,” Her Legal Tyrantship continued. “Here are his footprints. He was taken towards...:” She spread her arms in a dramatic pause. “The Fire Swamps!”

The scalemates’ plush features looked suitably impressed.

In the gulley, Karkat moved to Dave’s side, unmasked now, his eyes gleaming as he gazed at the coolkid. “Are you all right? Can you move?” 

Dave grabbed him and pressed sloppy kisses all over his face. “Get me out of this dress, I’ll show you how I can move.”

CG: DAVE! THIS IS NOT A PORN!

TG: why not no ones going to read it but us

CG: THERE ISN’T SEX IN THE MOVIE!

TG: which means ours is better amirite

“No time, my sweet,” Karkat said, lifting Dave to his feet. “I told you I would come back. Why didn’t you wait for me?” 

“Dude, you were fucking dead. Not my kink.”

“Death cannot stop true love!” Karkat declaimed, pulling Dave into his manly arms. “All it can do is delay it for a while.”

TG: dude your *what*

CG: FUCK YOU, I’M MANLY.

TG: youre fucking adorable

CG: LOOK OVER HERE, I HAVE TWO FINGERS TO SHOW YOU.

TG: <3

CG: … <3

Karkat kissed Dave soundly, letting him feel the strength of his love and devotion, all the passion he held for his matesprit. “I will never leave you again,” he whispered.

Dave totally didn’t cry at that, because he was too cool and stoic. But shit, man. Just… wow.

“Come, my love, we must hurry,” Karkat said, taking Dave’s hand and racing along the ravine floor towards the dreaded Fire Swamps.

“Babe, it’s hard to run with this huge fucking boner you gave me,” Dave pointed out. I mean, he hadn’t seen the dude in five years.

CG: SADFASFLSADFLJSDFL

TG: what

CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW YOU KEEP SABOTAGING MY ROMANTIC CLASSIC.

TG: dude you want me to be the chick got to keep my integrity

CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

TG: im not going to pretend to be someone else for a story

TG: unlike some people

CG: DAVE… I JUST… NEVERMIND.

TG: its chill babe you want to be the hero

TG: i never wanted to be anything but me

“Shut the fuck up and run,” Karkat said. “Your horrible fiancee will be after us, and we have to escape. I’ll ‘bone’ you or whatever later, you fucking nooksniffer.”

Dave didn’t mind Karkat black flirting with him or whatever, because he was always so fucking cute when he did it. Like, just adorable. “Sure, babe, you can ride this all you like later.”

CG: THAT’S NOT BLACK FLIRTING

CG: YOU’RE JUST AN IDIOT.

TG: uh huh sure

TG: like you dont send fucking mixed signals to everyone

TG: i havent been talking to tez

CG: WHAT THE TAINTCHAFING FUCK, DAVE? YOU TALKED TO TEREZI ABOUT ME? YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.

TG: look dude some questions i cant ask you ok i dont want to make you uncomfortable

TG: i just asked her if i was reading shit right

CG: I’M NOT BLACK FLIRTING WITH YOU. YOU’RE MY MATESPRIT. THAT’S HOW I WANT IT. OKAY?

TG: ok dude i get it

TG: what tez said and i quote ‘like he even knows what he wants’

CG: UGH, WHATEVER. LET’S WRITE THIS FUCKING STORY.

TG: babe i just asked cuz i love you

Karkat led his matesprit into the dark and mysterious Fire Swamps.They had to move carefully; jets of fire shot out of the very ground at seemingly random intervals. Dave was standing nearby when one erupted, and flames licked the side of his fucking stupid dress. Karkat threw him down quickly and put out the fire to save his darling love. 

Dave resisted the urge to make a sex joke cuz he could tell that Karkat was really fucking worried.

“Are you all right, my dearest?” Karkat asked tenderly, cupping a hand to his cheek.

“Dude, as long as you’re here, I’m fucking perfect.”

CG: THAT WAS SO ROMANTIC, DAVE.

TG: like i said just being me

CG: STOP IT, I’M GOING TO START LEAKING MELANCHOLY FLUIDS.

TG: yeah sorry

Karkat smiled and helped him back to his feet, and together they went further into the swamps. Before long, however, Dave screamed like a little girl and fell into a patch of sinking sands.

TG: i dont scream like a girl

CG: FOR NARRATIVE PURPOSES YOU DO.

TG: whatever

Grabbing a vine, Karkat leapt in after him, diving down through the sands, his heart pounding in his chest. Finally, his hand found Dave’s, and he pulled himself down to him and tied the vine around him. He began climbing back out, pulling Dave after him.

Dave coughed all that gunk out. “Fuck, man. What the fuck?”

“Okay, don’t fucking do that again. We can watch out for those patches, and the fire things make noise before they go off, so we’re good now. Just keep close to me, my love, and we’ll be safe.” 

Dave held his hand tight. That had freaked him the fuck out. He wanted out of that hellswamp.

“And,” Karkat went on, squeezing his hand reassuringly, “I think the humongous mythical murder rodents are just tales to frighten wigglers, and--” He broke off as a humongous mythical murder rodent leaped out of the shadows at him. He was knocked to the ground and rolled, wrestling the monstrous beast.

“Ahhhh! Huge fucking rat!” Dave scrambled away like a huge dipshit coward asshole.

The clever troll heard the noise of a fire geyser, grabbing the large squeakbeast and rolling into place so that it would be engulfed in flames. The creature screamed in agony and Karkat emerged unscathed.

TG: dude no i have to nurse your wounds all sexy style

CG: WHAT, SERIOUSLY?

TG: yeah come on in the movie he gets totally fucked up

And Karkat emerged, clutching his wounded arm.

CG: THERE, HAPPY?

TG: awesome babe

“Oh, my poor darling!” Dave ripped off part of his skirt to dab at the blood on his arm. All sexy like.

“Don’t worry, my love. Come, we’re almost out.” He took Dave’s hand and led him towards the exit.

They stepped out of the Fire Swamps and were quickly surrounded by the full might of the Florinese Judicial Branch. Her Legal Tyrantship rode forward. “You are under arrest for murder and kidnapping and generally because I’m quite upset with you,” she said, grinning widely. 

“Yo, Tez, chill,” Dave said. “He fucking rescued me. And… fuck. Um. I’m not going to marry you, okay? This dude’s the love of my life and shit. I can still teach you how to be cool.”

Terezi’s eyebrows went up and down a few times dramatically. “Dave,” she said. “Come away from the criminal. He smells like murder. He poisoned the orange creamsicle girl. And he must go to trial for his crimes!” Her grin was even more unsettling now. 

“Dude, no! He killed the girl who kidnapped me. She was totally a criminal.” He held onto Karkat tightly. Like there was no fucking tomorrow and shit.

The eight-eyed troll stepped forward, spreading her arms. “Now, I’m suuuuuuuure we can come to some sort of agreement,” she said. “If the honorable coolkid would consent to returning with Her Legal Tyrantship, we can set up a simple hearing for the mitigating circumstances in the orange girl’s murder, perhaps work out a deal.” Her lips twitched in a sly grin. 

“Tez, please,” Dave whispered. Because fuck Vriska. “Just let him go.”

“No one is above the law, Dave.” Terezi patted his arm gently. “But the punishments for vigilante justice are much less horrible than murder, so we’ll have him out again in no time. And only a little worse for the wear. Hehehehehe.” 

Dave and Karkat did that thing where they try to hold hands as douchebags drag them apart while Dave cried like a bitch. Troll jail was fucking brutal. Didn’t even have to drop the soap.

CG: DAVE, WHAT. NO, SCRATCH THAT, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW.

TG: what no prison rape jokes

TG: come on dude youre killing me here

CG: I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. TROLL JAIL IS PRETTY MUCH JUST WHERE YOU WAIT TO BE TORTURED BEFORE YOU DIE.

TG: ok in human jail dudes get lonely get it

CG: JUST SHUT UP RIGHT NOW BEFORE I GET LONELY WITH THE BAN BUTTON AND BANG IT OVER AND OVER.

TG: kinky

Vriska smirked at the dashing hero. “Come onnnnnnnn,” she said. “Let’s get your hearing arranged.” 

Karkat looked up at her defiantly. “We are trolls of action,” he said. “Lies do not become us.” 

“Oh, you’re no fun,” Vriska said, and laughed. 

“Shut the fuck up, you eight eyed nooksniffer. Anyway, someone’s looking for you.” 

“Too fucking bad,” she said, and cowardly hit him on the head and knocked him out.

Karkat awoke in a dark chamber, strapped to a menacing table, every part of his body immobilized. A pale, luminescent hand bathed his forehead, cleaning it of blood and dirt. This person had apparently tended the rest of his wounds as well. He blinked up at the figure. “Where am I?” he croaked. 

“You are in the secret holding cells,” the rainbow drinker replied carefully. “The ones Serket brings people to that she doesn’t want her tyrantship to discover the fate of.” She flashed a sympathetic smile. “I’m afraid you won’t be leaving.”

“That’s a fucking load of hoofbeastmanure,” he said, pulling uselessly against his bonds. “So the spiderbitch is going to torture me, then, I take it?”

“Only until you die,” she pointed out helpfully.

“Oh, wow, that’s a fucking relief, at least I’ll fucking get out of it somehow!” He sighed. “I’ll get through it. I have to get back to my love.”

“I’m very sorry,” she said, tenderly cleaning the last of his wounds. 

Days went by, and Dave moped around the Tyrant’s palace, his sick beats even more lackluster than usual, his coolness becoming more lukewarm. Terezi watched him in concern. 

“Don’t worry,” Vriska would tell her with a wide smile. “The judicial process takes time. Your coolkid will be just fiiiiiiiine when the hearing’s over.” 

Terezi made a suspicious noise at Vriska’s back as she walked away, but didn’t confront her, not yet.

The day of the wedding arrived, with no word from Karkat. Dave found himself in the courtyard or whatever in this fucking bitching wedding dress. Tez made some dumbass speech and everyone fucking cheered. Until a dude in a stupid blue hood called out: “Poser!”

Dave was all, “Fuck this shit, what the fuck?”

The blue guy rolled his eyes behind his dork glasses. “Get out of the fucking closet already. You are soooooo gay.”

“No! I’m fucking cool!”

“A real coolkid wouldn’t leave his boyfriend with some crazy spider troll. Poser,” he said again, and again. The crowd joined in. “Poser! Poser! Poser!”

Dave woke up, feeling sick as fuck. Dreams suck ass. And he wanted Karkat to come back like damn.

He ran to Tez, in his boxers cuz fuck if he’s taking the time to dress. “Tez, I need you to let Kar go, man. This shit is killing me.”

CG: DAVE, NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR FUCKING UNDERGARMENTS.

TG: tez does

CG: TEREZI IS CERTIFIABLY INSANE, REMEMBER?

TG: shes got good taste

TG: besides if shes not getting a piece of this she should at least get a noseful

CG: YOU WANT HER TO SNIFF YOUR ASS? YOU FUCKING SICKO.

TG: stfu

Terezi frowned. “This hearing is taking an exceptionally long time,” she said, turning to face the eight-eyed troll, raising an eyebrow.

Vriska grinned innocently. “His plea was extremely complicated,” she pointed out. “I’ll check on their progress immediately,” she went on with a bow. 

Dave scowled like a true coolkid. “I don’t give a shit about the fucking law. Give him back!”

With a gasp, Terezi raised both hands to her mouth. “Take it back, Mr. Strider!”

He stoically held back tears and shit. “Nothing’s more important than my fucking matesprit.”

The Tyrant patted his hand. “That’s so adorable. I’ll see what I can do. Within the confines of the law.”

There was nothing Dave could do. He pulled hand away and went the fuck back to his room. Fuck bitches.

After she had left her so-called employer, Vriska returned to her secret cavern beneath the ground, wandering through until she reached her captive. She grinned down at him. “I’m not giving some stupid long speech, because speeches are booooooooring. But I’ve made this pretty neat machine, see? And it’s going to suck out your life, because, let’s face it, your life already sucks, so it’s pretty fair, I’d say.” She moved a lever, and the machine started running.

Our brave hero persevered as well as he could, but a grimace of pain showed on his face, and a small whimper escaped him.

TG: aww poor baby did the mean lady hurt you

CG: GO FUCK YOURSELF. MAYBE OUR HERO WON’T COME RESCUE YOU, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

TG: then our hero doesnt get to get all up on this

CG: UGH, THAT’S NOT THE POINT OF THE STORY! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT BEFORE IT GETS THROUGH YOUR THICK THINKPAN? IT’S A TIMELESS ROMANCE, NOT A FUCKING PORN.

TG: jegus i know but you cant tell me story kar isnt going to bone the fuck out of story dave offscreen

CG: FINE. THEY WILL “BONE” WITH ALL THE “SEX” YOU COULD EVER WANT. HAPPY?

TG: so youre going to rescue me then

CG: OF COURSE I’M GOING TO RESCUE YOU, I’M THE HERO. IT’S WHAT HEROES DO.

TG: awwwwww

The Tyrant sent for her chief of security, grinning at him from across her desk. “My coolkid is in grave danger. I believe the kidnappers will return on the night of our wedding to steal him away again. I want all the thieves arrested and thrown in the slammer before that night comes.”

The chief looked at her blankly for a long moment, the wrinkles in his forehead almost as pronounced at the waves in his horns. “Look, Your Tyrantship, I’ve kinda got a lot of spies and everything, and none of them have said anything about this.” 

Dave appeared at the door, wearing a lovelorn expression, hands clasped beneath his chin. “Terezi, have you heard news of my darling Karkat yet? Please, tell me he has been freed.”

TG: what the fuck

CG: I WAS TIRED OF WAITING FOR YOU TO WRITE IT.

TG: fuck you dont write me so gay

CG: I WROTE YOU ROMANTICALLY.

TG: yeah

TG: gay

CG: YOU’RE LUCKY ANYONE HAS EVER WANTED TO KISS YOU IN YOUR ENTIRE WORTHLESS LIFE.

TG: im just so pretty

Terezi looked up and grinned. “Don’t worry, my people are working on it. We’ll get him out, trust me. They’re drafting up some plea bargains as we speak.” 

Dave sighed the loudest fucking sigh. “Please hurry, Rezi. I fucking need him.”

She waved him off with a grin. “Don’t worry, it’s under control.” When the douchebag had left, she turned back to Eridan. “Okay, hire a brute squad and clear out the Thieves’ Forest. NOW.”

“Yeah, okay, whatever,” the troll muttered, bowing and backing out of the room.

The day of the wedding dawned brightly. Eridan strode into the Thieves’ Forest. “Load a useless rubbish,” he muttered to himself as he directed his squad of imps. He glared as one approached him. “What do you mean, there’s a fucking ninja? Deal with him!”

The imp squeaked and scurried off, back to where Dirk sat, clutching a bottle of orange soda. It tugged on his shirt.

“Fuck off. Rose said to wait here.” He shrugged the thing’s hand off him.

The imp shook its head and gestured for the large form behind him to take over.

Large hands came to rest on his shoulders. “You canter scape that easily.”

Dirk looked up and grinned at Equius. “Horseboy! You found me!”

He scooped Dirk up into his arms. “We have to go. Rose is dead. The plan is over. Neigh, there is nothing left but us.” He held him gently. “Oh, but I found your eight eyed girl. She works for the tyrant.”

“What?” The human clutched at the troll’s shoulders. “We have to get her!”

Equius nodded. “I hoped you would make a plan.”

Dirk frowned. “We’ll never get into the castle alone. We need the man in black.”

TG: haha im so picturing you like one of the dudes from men in black

CG: WHAT THE CROTCHBLISTERING FUCK ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT NOW?

TG: dude watch something thats not a romcom for once

TG: its got human will smith

CG: OH. HUH. BUT IT’S NOT A ROMANCE? I MIGHT CHECK IT OUT. BUT IT SOUNDS STUPID.

TG: its funny

TG: its about dudes fighting aliens

TG: not cute ones like you

TG: there may be some love story shit i dont remember

CG: OKAY, OKAY, I’LL WATCH IT. JUST SHUT UP.

“We don’t know where he is,” Equius pointed out grimly.

“Fuck that. After twenty months, my puppet’s soul will be at peace! I’m going to cut a spider troll.”


	3. The Hero is Killed and Revived, There Is a Wedding, And Other Shit Happens

CG: DAVE. DAVE. DAVE FUCKING STRIDER. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN AND HELP ME WRITE MY ROMANTIC EPIC. IT’S BEEN TOO LONG SINCE YOUR FINGERS CARESSED THE KEYBOARD TO PRODUCE LACKLUSTER SIMILES AND DUMB PHRASES. COME ON, DAVE. I NEED YOUR HELP. 

CG: YOUR SICK BEATS CAN WAIT FOR A BIT.

CG: DAVE, COME ON. 

CG: OKAY, OKAY, I’LL HAVE A RAP BATTLE WITH YOU LATER, JUST DON’T TELL ANYONE. AND GET YOUR STUPID HUMAN ASS IN GEAR. 

CG: I FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT SITTING HERE BY MYSELF. 

CG: I MEAN, I CAN WRITE BY MYSELF, OBVIOUSLY, HAHA. I DON’T NEED SOMEONE LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER. 

CG: BUT YOU GET PISSED OFF WHEN I WRITE YOU. LIKE THIS. 

Dave stood by the door of Terezi’s study, watching her speak to her chief of security again. His chest ached more each day he was kept apart from his matesprit. His body felt as weak as his spirit. He couldn’t go on much longer. Terezi was honorable, he knew. Strange, yes, and sneaky, but not completely underhanded. She wouldn’t keep him from his love, even if, for some reason, the wedding still hadn’t been officially called off. She was busy, that was normal, right? All he knew was that the constant despair in his heart was affecting him. He hadn’t dropped a rhyme in days now. He couldn’t, not with his dearest love still locked in prison.

TG: holy shit i thought youd forgotten about this piece of crap 

TG: huh thats actually not half bad 

GC: YOU’RE NOT GOING TO SAY IT’S “GAY?” 

CG: ALSO IT’S NOT A PIECE OF CRAP YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF USED MUSCLEBEAST FODDER. 

TG: its a little gay but i kinda like it 

TG: so when you going to get your ass out of prison and rescue me 

TG: seriously slacking here vantas 

CG: IF YOU’D GET OFF YOUR ASS AND WRITE SOMETHING, WE’D GET THERE. 

TG: hey this isnt my story fucktard you have to tell me were working on it 

CG: OKAY, OKAY, FINE. WE’RE WORKING ON IT. HERE, I’LL WRITE A BIT MORE SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO. 

Her Legal Tyrantship looked up and saw the pale human lurking by her doorway. She grinned disturbingly and waved him over. “Hey, coolkid, what’s up?” she asked. 

“Hey, Tez,” he said, moping in the most uncool manner. “Any news on Kar?”

She frowned. “He’s not back yet? I’d heard it was all taken care of.” 

“Uh, what? If he was fucking back, I wouldn’t be here, Tez. I mean, duh.” He snorted. “Some bitch is lying to you.”

The Tyrant’s face went hard. “If there has been a perversion of justice, I will see to it,” she said. “Go back to your room. It won’t be safe.” 

“Shit, man,” Dave muttered, going pale, “you think someone’s gonna hurt me?”

“There’s no telling how deep this rot goes,” she said, sniffing. “I’ll dig it out and crush it.” A grin crossed her face. “See you at the wedding. Stay safe until then.” 

“Dude, I’m not marrying you, remember?” Dave crossed his arms over his gorgeous red dress.

“Duh, I know that, coolkid. I’ve planned the biggest, most coolest party this country’s ever seen, and we can’t have it without a wedding first. Just say no, dumbass.” 

“Oh.” He grinned suddenly. “So I still get the dress?”

“Durrrrrrr, yes. Go put it on and look cool, got it? I’ve got justice to do.” She waved him off and stood, marching stridently across the palace grounds.

TG: for the record im totally not a drag queen 

CG: FOR THE RECORD, YOU’RE AN IDIOT. 

TG: yeah but im an idiot in pants 

CG: ALSO FOR THE RECORD, NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU WEAR, UNLESS IT’S THAT STUPID CAPE, AND THEN IT SHOULD BE RIPPED OFF YOUR NECK AND BURNED, AND ALSO FOR THE RECORD, I’M A FUCKING MORON FOR INVITING YOU TO WRITE THIS STORY WITH ME AND RUIN IT WITH YOUR FASCINATION WITH DRESSES. 

TG: awww babe if you burned my cape what would you cuddle with when no ones looking 

TG: and fuck you im not fascinated with dresses thats what the point of this whole discussion was 

CG: A DISCUSSION YOU STARTED HAD A POINT? REALLY? 

TG: suck my dick 

Vriska was leaning over the restrained and weary hero when the Tyrant walked in. Her dragon-headed cane rapped sharply on the floor. “What’s this, Serket?” she said. “I had said he was to be freed. And you said he was.” 

The spider-bitch looked up, freaky eyes widening. Then she smiled with the gleaming fang thing she does. “Weeeeeeeell,” she said like a total tool, “I’m protecting your interests, Tyrant. If he’s dead, your coolkid won’t leave you.” She reached out before Tez could stop her and yanked the lever on the machine.

“Vriska, no!” Terezi shouted, but it was too late. The heroic young man screamed in agony and then lay dead on the table, and the villainous traitor had disappeared through a secret door with a laugh. 

 

Dirk looked up as a scream filled the air, putting a hand on his companion's chest. “Equius, that’s him. The troll in black.”

The large, sweaty troll looked up as well. “What makes you think that? There were no lowblooded profanities.” 

“That,” he said pretentiously, “was the sound of ultimate suffering. Who else but the troll in black, whose true love marries the Tyrant today, would make such a sound?”

Equius shrugged. It made as much sense as anything, and it would keep the lunatic human happy. 

Dirk guided him to the forest, but then the scream stopped. He was about to despair when an elegant rainbow drinker appeared, obviously heading towards the place they must be going. There was nothing else out there. He drew his sword and stopped her. “Where is the troll in black?”

The rainbow drinker bared her fangs. “I have no fear of you, human.”

“Equius? Jog her memory.” He sheathed his sword again. The undead feared no blade.

The large troll reached out, slamming a fist against the woman’s head. She crumpled to the floor instantly. 

“Fuck,” Dirk groaned, sinking to his knees. “We’ll never find him. Never. Cal, I’ve failed you.” His sword flashed out again and he hacked at the ground. “No. I fucking refuse to give up now. Not while we’re so close!” He rose to his feet, brandishing his blade. “Cal,” he whispered. “I can’t do this without you. Guide my sword, so that I may find the only troll who can help me avenge you!” He stood unmoving for a moment, then stumbled forwards, the blade plunging into a tree. “Fuck!” He punched the tree, hitting the trigger to the secret door. He stared at the doorway in shock, then turned to Equius. “That fucking worked?”

Equius merely lifted Dirk and set him in the doorway. “Go on. We are wasting time.” 

Dirk barrelled down the stairs and stopped in horror at what he saw. The troll in black lay there lifelessly, skin pale and already cooling. “Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck. Equius...” He bowed his head. “Bring the body. Striders don’t ever fucking give up.”

He made an expression of distaste and carefully lifted the corpse. “Where are we going, then?” 

“We’re going to buy a motherfucking miracle.”

“Oh drat.” 

A short time later, the two horse loving perverts were knocking on the door of a cottage. A hatch in the door slid open and a white painted face peered out. “How can a brother be motherfucking helping you all up in here?” 

Dirk and Equius looked at each other, then at the clown. “Are you the miracle man that used to work for the Tyrant?”

The clown growled, showing fangs. “Don’t be going and mentioning that motherfucking shit. That spider-fucking hag of hers got me tossed the fuck out. Now nobody wants to help a brother out or give him a job.”

“We do.”

“You got Faygo?” The troll peered at them through the slot. “You know, that sweet-ass motherfucking wicked elixer.” 

Dirk brandished a half empty bottle of orange Faygo, raising an eyebrow.

“Well, why didn’t you say so, motherfucker? Come the motherfuck in!”

They laid the body of the dashing troll on the table, and

CG: OH FUCK, DON’T LET HIM MAKE OUT WITH ME, THAT IS SO NOT HAPPENING IN MY STORY. 

TG: wait what are you on about dude why would i make him kiss your corpse 

CG: OH RIGHT, YOU WEREN’T THERE. FORGET ABOUT IT. 

TG: wow man. wow. trolls are fucked up. 

TG: also how many times have you used the word dashing in this piece of shit story dont you have a thesaurus 

TG: or rose we can just ask rose shes good at words 

CG: HOW ABOUT YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF. 

TG: how about you suck my human dick 

CG: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I WENT THROUGH AND COUNTED, AND THERE’S FIVE. THAT’S NOT THAT BAD. SO KISS MY SHAME GLOBES. 

TG: only if you suck my dick first 

CG: WOULD YOU SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR HUMAN DICK. 

TG: thats not what you said last night 

CG: DAVE! ASDFHASDFLKJSAFD. 

CG: THAT WAS ME POUNDING MY FOREHEAD AGAINST MY HUSKTOP. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? 

TG: not my fault you got a hankering for my man meat 

CG: ASHAKLJFDSALKSDFASDKFHAKLFD 

CG: I’M IGNORING YOU AND WRITING MY STORY. 

They laid the body of the dashing troll on the table, and gathered around. The clown snatched the bottle of disgusting clown swill and downed it easily. “Hate to tell you, brothers, this motherfucker ain’t much on the whole of living right now.” 

Dirk sighed. “We know he’s dead. We were hoping you could bring him back.”

“Oh, motherfuck, well. A brother’s got to have a real good fucking reason to want to come back.” The long horned troll poked the corpse. “Think this brother is up and having one?”

Equius placed a hand on Dirk’s shoulder. “His true love marries the Tyrant today.”

A head poked through a doorway, large horns barely making it inside. “Aww, Gamzee, I, uh, think you should, uh, help them. That’s, uh, sweet.”

“Get the motherfuck out, motherfucker!” Gamzee shooed him away.

“I’m, uh, not a motherfucker, I’m your matesprit.” The shy troll pouted at him.

Dirk gazed at them through his dark glasses, face frozen into douchey stoicism. “While this scene of domesticity is so sickeningly sweet I think we’ve all developed diabetes, why don’t we discuss actually fulfilling the duties I gave you an entire half-bottle of Faygo for.” 

“Motherfuck, brother, yeah, you totally paid for this shit. Tavros, get the stuff.”

Tavros handed him several bottles of strange herbs

TG: and spices 

CG: WHAT. 

TG: eleven herbs and spices 

TG: youll be fingerlicking good 

CG: OKAY, NEW RULE, DAVE DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING UNLESS IT RELATES TO THE STORY OR MAKES SENSE. 

TG: that fucking makes sense 

TG: its a chicken restaurant slogan 

CG: YOU’RE A CHICKEN RESTAURANT SLOGAN WAIT, NO, YOU GOT ME SUCKED INTO YOUR BULLSHIT AGAIN, JUST STOP. 

TG: aww i was so proud up until then 

Tavros handed him several bottles of strange herbs and liquids which he started mixing together, giggling creepily. It was totally an eighties movie montage scene with a power ballad in the background and everyone getting shit done with magic chemical shit and everything. It was pretty fucking sweet.

Finally, the clown held up a large pill. “This’ll do the motherfucking trick, my motherfuckers. Just get it in his motherfucking shout tunnel and he’ll be all up and being alive in, I don’t know, an hour or some shit. Maybe fifteen minutes. I don’t remember shit.” 

Tavros beamed, wrapping an arm around his matesprit. “You did, uh, such a good job, sweetie.”

“I’m the motherfucking bitchtits, you mean, Tavbro.” 

“I suppose I, uh, meant that, if it wasn’t so, uh, many expletives.”

Equius snorted softly and picked up the corpse. “Come, Dirk. We’re leaving.”

“Hasta la vista, baby,” Dirk drawled ironically. 

Tavros waved after them. “Uh, have fun storming, uh, the castle!”

“Wow, think the motherfuckers stand a chance?”

“Uh, probably not, but there’s always, uh, hope?”

 

Our used-to-be-villains-but-now-heroes crouched on the battlements, peering over at the guards. There were a fuckton. And not a regular fuckton but an *imperial* fuckton. That’s how fucking serious these guards were. They were getting hot and heavy with their spears or whatever. But not like that. Gross, dude. That would hurt.

They looked at each other and shrugged. “Might as well get on with it,” Dirk said, taking out the pill. “Hold his mouth open, but don’t break him, Jesus H. Dick. We can’t put him back together.” 

Equius pouted at him but gently pried the troll in black’s mouth open. Dirk pushed the pill into his mouth, then they held it closed until he swallowed.

“How long should it take?” the large troll asked.

“What the crotchblistering fuck is going on, you fucking pair of pan-melted musclebeast droppings! Get your fucking hands off me before I shove a corruscating column of hot FUCK YOU down your throats!” 

A smirk crossed Dirk’s face. “I’m guessing not very long.” 

Equius was sweating heavily in the face of such profanity. “Oh my gosh,” he said, gripping Dirk’s shoulder tightly.

“Why the taintchafing hell won’t my arms move?” Karkat demanded, scowling. 

“You’ve been dead most of the day,” Equius pointed out helpfully.

“We bought unknown drugs off a disreputable troll for half a bottle of soda to bring you back,” Dirk deadpanned. “Amazingly, it seems to have worked. What are the odds?” 

“Am I supposed to give a single solitary fuck about any of that? Who are you? And where the sweet almighty fuck is Dave?” The heroic and NOT DASHING because Dave can suck a bulge troll demanded of the other two.

TG: babe you just have to ask 

CG: OH YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE ALL OF THIS HOOFBEAST SHIT UP TO ME LATER, I PROMISE YOU THAT. 

TG: so i should get naked 

CG: I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DO. 

TG: aww babe you know you want a piece of this 

“I’ll explain,” Dirk said, frowning. “No, there’s far too much. Let me sum it up: The Tyrant’s assistant is the one who killed my puppet, and we’ve developed a plan to kill her, but we need your help, and there’s too many guards, and…”

“Your matesprit weds the Tyrant this evening,” Equius interrupted. “We need to get in, free him, and kill the spider troll. Before the guards kill us all.”

“That doesn’t leave us much time. Jegus, you people suck at this shit, don’t you. What are our assets?” Karkat asked, glaring at them. 

“My strength, your brains, and Dirk’s dashing good looks,” Equius said with a smile.

“Fuuuuuuuuck.” 

“Also, I’m the best swordsman in the world,” Dirk said. “As sweet as that was, baby, we can’t leave that out.”

“I seem to remember kicking your ass rather easily about two chapters ago, but what the fuck ever, let’s get this shit over with,” Karkat grumbled, shaking his head. 

So they did some awesome shit and all the guards ran away like total pussies except for Eridan because he’s the biggest pussy and was probably pissing his pants or whatever and they got the key from him and let him run the fuck away like a fucking baby.

 

Dave and Terezi stood in the chapel, Terezi in her best Tyrannical garb, and Dave in his bitching wedding dress. Like, it was so hot. Karkat was going to love it when they eventually got married. Before them stood a skinny troll with glowing red and blue eyes and large fangs. “What the fuck are we even doing? You guyth already thaid you’re not going to thay yeth,” he lisped. “Why the fuck are you wathting my time?”

“Come on, just do it, it’s gonna be FUN,” Terezi said with a grin. “That’s the whole point.” 

“Fuck you. Okay, fine, whatever, it’th not like I have a ton of coding to do for the kingdom that’th being ignored for your horthethhit.” He gave a long suffering sigh. “Tho, love or whatever. That’th what’th thuppothed to bring uth here today, but you two are idiotth with your headth up your nookth. The blethed condition of matethpritthip ith a holy bond that you two are utterly defiling with your b eth.”

“Thanks, Sollux! That’s perfect. Keep going.” Terezi gave her inane giggle. 

“I hate you tho much.” Sollux sighed. “Your lack of love bringth you together, and your lack of love will fill you with thupidity. Well fucking done. Do you take thith inthufferable prick to whatever the fuck jutht thay no.”

“Nah, man, I’ve got something better coming later, but thanks,” Dave said. 

“Thut up, I wath talking to TZ.”

“Let me just say something.” She took Dave’s hands in hers and sniffed at his eyes. “You’re the coolest of coolkids, and I’m glad I met you and took you off to be my partner in shenanigans. Even if we aren’t married for real, you can still chill here as much as you want. Also, your matesprit’s dead, Vriska killed him. But I’ve got all my law enforcement officials chasing her down as we speak and you can help me rain justice on her head.” 

“What? Wh-why didn’t you tell me?” Tears rained down Dave’s face. “Fuck this, I don’t want to play anymore.” He ran up to his room, sobbing like a total bitch. He couldn’t take this. Not again. He’d already lost him once. He threw himself on the bed and wished to die.

 

The intrepid band of heroes moved through the castle, Equius carrying the newly revived troll. They turned a corner and came face to face with the vicious eight-eyed girl. Her mouth split in an evil grin, but before they could react, she spun and dashed through a door, locking it behind her. Several dead guards littered the corridor, obviously having come for her. 

Dirk howled and threw himself at the door, battering away at it uselessly. “Equius! I need you!”

“What, now?” the large troll asked, sweating profusely. “That is so… depraved.” 

“Open the fucking door! I’ll fuck you later.”

“Oh. Of course. Since you said it so forcefully.” He set the brave and handsome troll down and went to the door, slamming his fist into it until it splintered. 

Dirk hurled down the stairs after the spider-troll, sword at the ready. He cornered her and approached, a mocking smirk on his face. “My name is Dirk Strider. You killed my puppet. Prepare to die.”

“Wow, overboard much? Sheeeeeeeesh. It’s just a puppet, for fuck’s sake.” 

His lips tightened. “My name is Dirk Strider. You killed my puppet. Prepare to die.”

“Yeah, so what if I did? It was fun! That’s all that matters.” Vriska flipped her hair. 

“My name. Is DIRK FUCKING STRIDER! You killed my puppet. Prepare to FUCKING DIE!” He lunged at her, slashing with his katana.

“Ow! Shit!” She scowled and hopped back. She raised her hands, eyes narrowing as she prepared to use her fucking mind control bullshit on him, but before she could, he stabbed her through the heart with his badass ninja sword. 

“Well, fuck, that was easy,” Dirk said, then turned to go back up the stairs. 

 

Dave eventually stood after crying himself out for awhile, then grabbed his broken sword and tried to stab himself in the chest with it. Shit was hella awkward, dude. 

“You know, there’s no shortage of douchebags in this world, but for some reason I would miss this one,” a voice came from behind him. 

He dropped the sword with a clatter. “Kar?” He whirled to see him and threw himself on the troll, sobbing. “Tez said you were dead.”

“Gently, darling,” he said, not lifting his arms. “I was, for a while. But death can’t keep me from you, I’ve told you that.” 

“Fuck gently, I need you,” he sobbed, kissing him all over.

“Dave, get off me, I can’t fucking deal with this right now, I told you I was dead. Jegus. Give me some time to recover, all right?” Karkat said, but lovingly, even if he was irritated as fuck. 

“Oh, hey, Karkat, I thought you were dead,” Terezi said from the doorway. 

“Well, Tyrant. I should kill you for trying to marry my beloved,” Karkat said, staring at her with steely eyes. 

The troll girl laughed annoyingly. “Oh, come on, seriously! I never was going to marry him. It was all just for fun, and it was pretty great, except the part where you got killed and all. Never planned that one. My bad.” 

“Shit, man, can we still have the party?” Dave perked up. “I’ve got some sweet jams I want to share.”

“Fuck no,” Karkat said, rolling his eyes. “Let’s get the fuck out of here. I’ll let you have a party after WE get married, and, you know what, I’ll even let you do your stupid asshole music, how’s that?” 

“Aww, I love you, too, babe.” Dave kissed him so very sweetly.

Dirk strolled into the room nonchalantly, ignoring the Tyrant. “So, the spider-troll’s dead, I’ve had my revenge. We done here? Oh, where’s Equius?”

“How the blistering fuck would I know? You two assholes left me lying in a corridor!” Karkat shouted. “And a better question is, why would I give a fuck if I had any left to give?” 

“Dirk!” someone called from outside. “Dirk! Where are you? I got you something!”

The man dashed to the window and looked down. “Oh my god I fucking love you.” 

Equius stood there, four white horses on leads behind him. “I got lost, and found the Tyrant’s stables, and these beautiful hoofbeasts were just there, and I thought…” he looked up at the window and blanched. “Hello, Tyrant. I’ll just… take these back, then.”

Terezi’s face was a stoic mask. “Dirk Strider. I find you guilty of vigilante justice and killing the person I really fucking wanted to kill. If you ever set foot in my kingdom again, I’ll have you executed. And your sweaty friend arrested for horse theft. I’ll be down in the courtyard in fifteen minutes to get you both.” She turned and walked out of the room. “Dave, send me an invitation for the wedding or I’ll hold you in contempt of court!” she added as she left. 

“Well, shit, let’s get going,” Dirk said, leaping from the window into Equius’s arms.

“But the Tyrant said…” Equius protested as he caught him.

“Dude. She’s letting you escape, moron. Go,” Dave called down to them.

Karkat turned and looked at him. “What, we’re not going? I go through all this trouble to rescue you and we’re not doing the daring window escape and riding into the sunset? Fuck you.” 

Dave looked at him. “Only if they sanitize those horses first.”

“Oh fucking shit you’re right. We’ll stay here.” 

And since the invention of the sex scene, there have been five that were rated the most NC-17 NSFW of them all. This one needed all new ratings, dude, it was so down and dirty and nasty.

CG: DAVE, I HATE YOU, NEVER WRITE ANYTHING AGAIN. 

CG: BUT… THANKS FOR HELPING ME. 

GC: <3 

TG: love you babe 

TG: <3 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned (at some point, not, like, now) for an epilogue.


	4. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave deals with some realizations he had while writing the story.

Dave stood in front of the mirror, staring at his reflection breathlessly. He was fucking beautiful. He turned, looking at the way the skirt fell over his ass. Fuck. Yes. Rose’s purple squiddle dress might not be the best color on him, but it was still cute. Maybe next time he’d try raiding Kanaya’s closet.

On second thought, no. She had a fucking chainsaw. Rose was scary, yeah, but there was a pretty good chance his sister wouldn’t kill him. She’d just try to psychoanalyze the shit out of him.

He frowned, trying to decide which fate was worse. Whatever. At least he’d look fucking amazing while it happened.

Jegus, how come guys didn’t know how awesome this was? Girls were totally monopolizing this dress shit. Hotels on the Boardwalk and everything. Which was where they wore the dresses, obviously. Can’t go to a fancy hotel without a nice dress.

“Dave, why the fuck are you muttering about hotels and… dresses…” Karkat froze, staring at him.

Dave crossed his arms over his chest. “Dude. This is _so_ not what it looks like.”

Karkat snorted and rolled his eyes. “Really, Dave. I bet it’s ‘ironic,’ complete with enclosure talons to emphasize just how much I don’t believe you. This is why you were constantly trying to ruin my story talking about what dress Dave was wearing, isn’t it. You’re so fucking full of shit.” The troll’s eyes, however, kept drifting down to where Dave’s pale legs poked out from beneath the skirt. His cheeks filled with pink. 

“It’s so totally ironic, you have no idea. They’re going to be building statues to me in the irony gardens. Which is totally a thing.” Dave stared at him stoically.

Karkat’s hands lifted, two middle fingers extended. But he dropped them again almost instantly. “I came to fetch you for breakfast. I have a steaming platter of ‘fuck you’ ready to serve.” He glanced at the human boy through his eyelashes. “Are you going to wear that a lot?” 

“Of course not!” he said quickly, but one hand clutched the sleeve of the dress like he never wanted to let go.

“I mean, if you want to, that’s… that’s okay,” the troll said, face even redder than before. “You don’t look like a complete tool. It’s better than the cape.” 

“You love my cape,” Dave grumbled, looking down at himself. He really should change before anyone else saw this. But… he’d never felt so attractive. Maybe he could alchemize some really bitching dresses? “You think I’m pretty?”

“I think you’re a fucking idiot.” A smile crossed Karkat’s face. “But, yeah, a pretty one.” 

“Fuck yes. I’m a trophy wife. Lifelong fucking dream.” He wrapped an arm around the shorter troll. He smiled down at him. Man, he loved this little dude. He should have known Karkat would be chill. Especially since he got to look at this fucking masterpiece of sexiness. Like, he should be hanging in the Louvre. With people talking in hushed voices about the genius of his creation.

“Seriously, though, I’m hungry, jackass. Stop wasting time.” Karkat grabbed his hand and tugged him towards the door. 

Dave flailed, digging his feet in. “No, no, no, fuck, what are you doing, I can’t go out there like this!” His heart pounded in panic.

Eyes were rolled with long suffering practice. “Strider. What the fuck. Come on. You’re wearing a fucking dress, it’s not like everyone hasn’t been snickering over that story that somehow leaked its way out of our files and into the common network. Everyone knows.” 

“Fuck.” He gripped his hand tightly. “This is Rose’s dress.” She was going to smirk so hard. Really.

“Dave.” Karkat facepalmed with both hands. “All right, fine, do whatever your shitstained, damaged thinkpan demands of you. I’m going to go get breakfast.” He stalked out into the hallway without hesitation. 

“Kar!” Dave pelted out after him. “Don’t leave me, sweetie, I can’t go one second without you, I’ll faint and shit.”

Fingers wrapped around Dave’s hand and pulled him up level with the troll. “Just shut up, you fucking moron,” Karkat said fondly, smiling up at him as they walked into the kitchen. 

A shrill whistle sounded the moment they were in the room. “Smelling good, coolkid,” Terezi said with her insane grin. “Where can I get one of those?”

“My room, apparently,” a dry, amused voice came from the far corner. “What’s up, Buttercup?” 

He flipped Rose off. “You’re about my size, fuck off. Setting all the fashion trends on this meteor, right here.”

“No.” Kanaya’s eyes were wide in horror.

“Aww, come on, everyone wishes to look this good. We’ll even get Kar in a dress.” Dave posed in what he thought was a seductive manner.

“Fuck you with a rusty shovel you fucking nooksniffer,” Karkat said offhandedly as he went to the fridge. 

Kanaya waved that off. “No, no. You are far too pale for that dress. Not without the dark makeup Rose employs. It takes away any natural color you have.” She stood and grabbed Dave’s hand. “Come with me,” she said, dragging him from the room.

Dave laughed and waved as the door swung shut. “Bye, baby!”

“I’m not waiting to eat,” Karkat shouted after him. 

The human chuckled. That was cool. He would rather have more clothes than food. And… it was kinda cool that no one had laughed at him. Much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there we have it. Thanks so much for actually enjoying our twisted sense of humor.
> 
> Now with illustrations! [Dave](https://i.imgur.com/MmH56ad.jpg) by Khie and [Ironic](http://imgur.com/uhcdDPg) by Davekatastrophe


End file.
